The Science of Semen

I've heard the "semen = protein" statement so many times I thought I'd educate myself on it and find out the truth to this "oh so amusing" concept. [This is strictly for educational purposes]
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From Yahoo! Answers:

Semen actually contains very little protein. The proteinaceous material in semen would be whatever proteins were contained in sperm cells and a few clotting proteins (the stuff that makes semen sticky and gooey). For the most part, semen is water. If you dehydrated the water, then the next biggest component is zinc. Also, you have a lot of citrate, sodium bicarbonate and fructose. Don't remember what the fructose was for. Citrate feeds the sperm cells. and sodium bicarbonate neutralizes the urethra and vagina. Also, you polymerized amines (nitrogenous compounds), which give semen its characteristic scent.

People think semen is protein-laden because it has the consistency of egg whites. But that's just the temporary action of the clotting proteins. For those, a little goes a LONG way. So don't let the texture fool you. I'm almost willing to bet that cervical mucus has more protein per unit volume than semen

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From "The Straight Dope":

Start by assuming that male ejaculate is roughly equivalent in nutritional composition to raw egg white (a safe assumption). The normal size egg is about 35 cubic centimeters in volume and contains about 14 calories and 3 grams of protein. the normal size ejaculation is about 5 cubic centimeters, or one-seventh the volume of an egg white; figure it, therefore, to contain about one-seventh the nutrients--approximately 2 calories and .1 gram of protein. Of course, you'll have to adjust those figures if you're talking about Jumbo Size (eggs, that is).

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From Weblog:

Here are some facts you should know:

the average guy produces about 3.5 mL of semen per ejaculation whose nutritional value is:
less than 1 calorie
150 mg. protein
11 mg. carbohydrates
6 mg. fat.
3 mg. cholesterol
7 S RDA potassium
3 S RDA copper
3 S RDA zinc
300 million spermatozoa

semen also contains:
water
ascorbic acid (vitamin C)
blood-group antigens
calcium (yes, just like milk!)
chlorine (add your own little contribution to cleanliness!)
cholesterol (Is this the "bad cholesterol" or "good cholesterol"?)
citric acid, creatine, deoxyribonucleic acid, fructose, glutathione, hyaluronidase, inositol, lactic acid, magnesium, nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium (what do you know, these are good for fertilization too!)
prostaglandins (fatty acids that, while not a hormone, perform hormone-like functions)
purine, pyrimidine, pyruvic acid
sodium (good to have, especially if you've been sweating a lot)
sorbitol, spermidine, spermine
vitamin B12 and zinc (you would think it's a multivitamin)

Random fun facts

Average volume of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 18 quarts
Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
Its muscle drives nature's only known rotary-joint. The tail SCREWS, not whips. (no pun)
Average number of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
Average duration of orgasm: 4 seconds
Average number of sperm cells in the ejaculate of a healthy man: 200 to 600 million
Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
Sperm lifespan: 2.5 months from development to ejaculation

Now don't you feel enlightened to the wondrous thing known as semen? It really does a body good!

"What was it like? It was like..."

While I am trying to find my blog voice and decide what it is I want to blog about I'd like to keep adding stuff that show the different sides to not only me but my writing. So here is something from my poetic side.

"What was it like? It was like..."

Ice cream headache... not enough for aspirin
Hot sauce in your eye...not enough to blind you
Stubbing your toe...not enough to break it
Sprinkling rain...not enough for an umbrella
A cool breeze at night...not enough for a sweater
Tension in a room...not enough to get up and leave
Spicy food going down your throat...not enough to burn you
Cold water going down the wrong pipe...not enough to choke you
Saying what you really think out loud...not enough to get caught
He tries to get you aroused...not enough to climax
She uses her teeth...not enough to make her stop
Slap in the face...not enough to cry
Drinking to forget...not enough to drown
Wind knocked out of you...not enough to die
That's how it was with us...love,
I felt it...but not enough.

Touch the lives of others by touching yourself

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Labor Day Greetings

I know it seems I've been so absent here lately y'all are ready to convert MY blog space into that gameroom y'all have always wanted. But, the prodigal blogger returns today to show that he is niether dead, nor gone. And yes,  I am still an asshole. As proven today when one of my friends decided to tear-ass into me for not being around more and I responded with the statement "Sorry, I no longer have a job where I get to use crayons". I thought it was funny. So anyway, since I have nothing but time to myself this weekend I plan on catching up on everyone's blogs. So if you get something saying someone commented on a blog you wrote in 1942...that'll be me. However it won't be tonight as you can all guess...yup, that's right, it's Labor Day weekend and instead of having to go to work tomorrow everyone is gonna go out and destroy themselves drinking and partying! I'm actually gonna make an attempt to get out of the house tonight as well...and I absolutely need it!

So I wish I knew what the hell everybody's been up to but I haven't been out of the house practically at all in quite a while. And when I have gotten out it's not barely over an hour "out socializing" and it's "please just shut-up and start pourin'"! We'll see how tonight goes. So, brief though this may be, let me be the first to wish everyone a fantabulous Labor Day weekend and expect to hear from me at some point this weekend in your blogs. But tonight, it's all about lettin' go. I wish y'all were here but since you're not...CHEERS!! Wherever you may be tonight I'll be thinkin' of you...NAKED! (hahaha)...ewwww! I just got a slight shudder...and a little excited. Ok on that note I really need to go.

Luv Ya! Mean It! Buh-Bye!!

Disclaimer (sort of)

This is more for me than it is for anyone else. I am fortunate to be involved with a rather merry band of bloggers that, regardless of professional comedic and/or professional writer status, consistently write about stuff that puts at least a solid smirk on my face if not making me laugh uproariously out loud. So I feel the need, nay, desire to write a disclaimer. I used to write incessantly many years ago and for some reason stopped a couple of years ago. Upon joining the MySpace cult and reading other people's blogs I became re-inspired to want to write again. This would normally be a good thing as I have swarm of stuff going through head at all times. Ever seen "A Beautiful Mind"? Remember his shed? Picture that, in constant movement, in one's head. Just change the math/conspiracy stuff to Hunter S. Thompson meets "Altered States" meets The Name of the Rose meets The Daily Show meets George Carlin, meets...well, you get the picture. MySpace got boring and I stumbled upon Facebook. Though much better as far as interacting with friends, it's "Notes" section just doesn't have the feel to a proper blog so again, my writing stopped. But then I was blessed with meeting Karen jones. She is a blogger [Jones To The Grindstone] who is now back in school going for Masters In Journalism from Harvard University (yeah, "that" Harvard). She is witty, funny (amazingly attractive) and these characteristics show through in her blogs. Now once again, through her inspiration, I am feeling the urge to be expressive. I have been a little hesitant to though because there have been so many personal (serious) hardships lately and I haven't wanted my re-emergence into writing to reflect that. Fear of appearing too angry, too sad, too blah, blah, blah. Anyway, all of this has severely been hindering my creative "cob". And until a can pull said "cob" out of my imaginative ass of insanity I feel these blogs (mine) will be less than stellar. So, at present, just be aware that I'm not writing any blogs to impress anyone. Instead, at present, they are more tugs at that veritable aforementioned "cob". Once I'm settled in whatever situation I end up in, I'm sure the tone and topics will hopefully improve. In the meantime, read if it satisfies you, or makes you feel better about your own blogs or...you're more than welcome to "change the channel". Your choice. Just know I'm not doing this for anyone's approval but my own. I will be throwing some of my old stuff that I haven't posted yet up here as well if only to maybe help inspire me to write new stuff. Thanks for reading. Hope you come back for more.

Discaimer:This was written because "an old friend" who has read the stuff I used to write dropped me a line and said that they missed my rantings, ravings and musings that are my writings. Gotta love friends.

Bad Behavior

Everybody is wonderful, beautiful and great...
until you work with them, live with them, sleep with them or even just have to "deal" with them.


Yep, that's when you get to see the real them and then it's eyes wide open for everyone. I believe in owning bad behavior. And believe me, I've had to own more bad behavior than most anyone's fair share should ever include. I don't believe there are excuses for bad behavior but there are reasons and that is an important distinction. We don't always know why someone is acting out but that doesn't mean that we, knowing nothing about their situation, have the right to say there is no reason for it. And expecting people to know better and be smart enough to get help is presumptuous on our part. Have you ever tried to think like someone less intelligent than you? You can't. We take for granted our ability to discern, adapt, recognize whatever a situation causes and requires. We are the minority. A person who literally does not possess the capacity or the mental capability to see things the way we do should not be faulted for acting like a dumbass. It is, at that point, our choice to either educate them in their errors or turn our backs on them and bitch about the stupid shit they just did. No matter how good the second choice feels, by choosing it, you in turn make sure that the world doesn't get any better. If you really are that smart - prove it. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Always have - Always will.

Kissing (part 2)

My last blog on Kissing (...My Romantic Benchmark) I discussed my "benchmark" kiss. And I wanted to write several more blogs about the variety of kisses I have experienced/discovered in my life ending with "My next kiss...after 3 years of sexual sabatical". However, due to recent events (about to be explained) I've decided to do a two in one for this blog since they are relevant to each other and offer an interesting compliment and contrast of kissing. Most of you know that I recently voluntarily went on a 3 yr (3 1/2 actually) vow of celibacy. Well that officially ended recently and one of the most interesting parts of "re-losing your virginity" was the kissing. The kissing was as powerful and as intense and the love making. I guess that as I got older and since I never went longer than 2 weeks at a stretch without sex that I sort blended the whole experience into one action. But over the last couple of weeks I've had the opportunity to relive the magic that is kissing. It is both wonderful and intruiging at the same time. So I want to start off with my all time favorite kiss and then "my NOW kiss...after 3 years of sexual sabatical". I've had some amazing kisses and kissing experiences in my life but there are a select few that stand out like fireworks on the 4th of July. The most memorable and intense of my individual kisses happened while I was working at the first bar job I had. It was actually a tavern in downtown Houston. I worked the door and would sit on an actuall wooden beer keg. There was this girl that started coming in every few days that was...OMG beautiful. To be specific, when she would walk in, the women would look at her and go "Damn! she's hot. For some reason she found me interesting and we would chat at length when she would come to visit. Now I have always had this uncanny ability to not see the "pink elephant in the room" when it comes to women that are interested in me. So after about a month of me not seeing this pink elephant she finally just looked at me and said "I've been wanting to do this since I've met you"...and proceeded to kiss me...intensely. To every woman I've ever been involved with please forgive what I am about to say but I have never been kissed like that ...Ever. Not before and not since. I literally lost my vision for about 30 seconds after she stopped kissing me. That is not an exaggeration. Picturing getting hit in the head with a 2x4 at the same time you're just about to faint. That is what I saw when she stepped back. WOW! Now that was a kiss! Apparently she felt the same way because she asked if she could give me a ride home when I got off that night. I have to add this part just because it is too funny...to prove how truly naive I could be back then...I got off work, we got in the car and as she started driving she got on the freeway but headed in the opposite direction from where I lived. I said to her "I thought you were going to give me a ride home". She looked at me and said "I am, I just never specified which home I was taking you to". Yes, that was an amazing night.So I told you that story to tell you this one. That story being about the most amazing kiss ever is the only one that could possibly compare with the first kiss after a 3 1/2 yr sexual sabbatical. Right? Well, kind of. You see, since I've moved to Austin I have been experiencing this parade of old friends and familiars. Even to the point of trips to other cities for these reunions. My new location has afforded a lot of opportunity. Anyway, I recently got together with someone I've known for quite a while. We messed around a long time ago but have mainly just been friends for most of our relationship...different paths, towns, etc.. So when we got together this last time everything was fine, we visited, hung out and then when it came time to leave, I got up to give her a hug goodbye. She hugged me back...and kept hugging me. I've already explained the me and the pink elephant situation. Well, there was a big one in the room now and all I could do was stand and wonder "why is she hugging me so long"? Then it happened, she looked at me and...how do I describe this?...It became the marathon of kisses. Kissing that became one long kiss as if meant to end all kisses. What is so "blog-worthy" about this is that, in all my years of experience, you start kissing and that leads to doing all the other stuff. No, not this time. All the other stuff happened while this long, romantic, passionate, intense, endless kiss was happening. It never stopped the entire time everything else was going on. Yes, I know the physically impossibility of some of the images going through head right now. Stop it! You're missing the point. Yes, there were moments not kissing but literally 95% of that experience that kiss was happening. My point of mentioning this is that it was the other side of the coin. The one side being the unexpected kiss from someone you hardly know that is so amazing that it leads to an amazing night of passion. The other side being an unexpected kiss from someone you do know and because you do know them the kiss is so amazing that it is unto itself in the experience that results from that kiss. I don't know about the rest of you but most of you who are around my age and have either been in a relationship long enough that it is no longer "newlywed time" or have been through divorces that have jaded that lusty, passion of our youth. So I implore all of you...have a kissing marathon. Remember and honor the kiss for what it should be. Take the person you love, like alot or simply lust after and see how long, deep and passionately you can kiss them. When was the last time you did that? Well, pardner that's too long! I can guarantee the results will be phenomenal. Remember the Kiss! Honor the Kiss! Viva El Beso! Célébrez le baiser!

Anniversary and Freakshow

As many of you know from previous blogs of mine I have a paralyzed right arm. Among people that know me it is a non-issue but meet new people and you'd think it is the only thing anyone can possibly want to talk to me about. I don't have it in a sling or anything dramatically obvious. You can see from pics in my Photos section I wear a small splint and it just hangs normally-ish. And yet for the past 23 years, 95% of the people I meet it is usually the conversation opener they come up with...like they're the first people to ever ask me about my arm. Right.I don't really care anymore as I have gotten used to it over the years (well, at least most of the time). I deal with it by making one-arm jokes and things of that sort. I have a couple of friends that say they'd like to see me go just one day w/o bringing up my having one-arm but that's harder than it would seem since even if I don't talk about, EVERYONE else does! So getting to my story, last night I was invited to real live genuine Freakshow called 999 Eyes - a reference to an old-timey freakshow from back in the day when they had serious freakshows. My friend's Caberet troupe [Carousel Cabaret] was also performing so that was a definite incentive. Anyway, I decided I'd go check it out but, in the back of my mind, I was thinking maybe for once my one-armed situation wouldn't seem so curious. No matter how ridiculous this may sound it is the absolute truth. I can sum up my "that's what I get for thinking" with the following incident. At one point in the evening I was standing next to "Jackie of all trades" (a woman w/ an absolutely beautiful voice who just so happens to be only a torso and a foot) and midget (can I say that?) who was literally about a foot and a half tall and someone actually walked up to us looked right at me standing in between them an said "Wow, what happened to your arm?". REALLY?!!! I'm in between a midget and a half-woman and you're intrigued by my arm?! The really amazing thing is that person didn't ask what happened to the half-woman for her to end up that way or ask what it was like to be a midget. Trust me their stories are way more interesting than my little ol' arm. I know. I asked. (he he)I swear none of this is intended to sound bitter or angry. In fact, just the opposite, I think it is hilarious. Even at a true-blue freakshow, my malady is the topic of interest - Amazing. But I guess such is life. I do want to thank my friends Sick, fiddle player for the freakshow backup band "That Damned Band" and Raina, aka Lady Bangs, of Carousel Caberet for inviting me. And a very special thanks to Hallie, aka Ruby Joule, of the cabaret troup "The Jigglewatts" - an amazing beauty - you made the evening truly glamorous. And to everyone else out there, if you get the chance, go see the 999 Eyes Freakshow. A good time is guaranteed to be had by all!

Death By Chocolate

The wonderful thing about truly having a life that is exciting, lived in and rich with experiences is the memories they produce. Like this little nugget I was just reminded of while talking to an amazingly beautiful friend from, well lets just say, when I was a mere youngster of 21. This isn't intended to be informative or insightful. It's just a great memory I wanted to share.

I used to date this amazing, beautiful girl, we'll call her "C" (name withheld to protect the "not-so-innocent"). I also had two great roommates, Jamie & Spanky. Jamie was studying to be a doctor. Spanky had a mohawk, wore kilts with combat boots and well, was called Spanky. Now when you're 21 and living with 2 other guys, finding some alone time in the house with your special someone can be something of a challenge. Well one night, by some amazing miracle, Spanky had to work (he worked at Emo's with me) and Jamie was actually going to take a break from his studies and go out with his girl. Hallelujah! I couldn't believe it. So I got in touch with my lady "C" and let her know we would have the place to ourselves. Fast forward now to the good stuff. I'm with "C" and she and I get to the house, eagerly anticipating our youthful, saturated with lust opportunity of passion, and what happened next will forever be what can only be described as the "Mystery of the Death by Chocolate". We walked into what literally looked like a massacre crime scene at the Willie Wonka factory. Not exagerating one little bit. There was chocolate EVERYWHERE! On the frames of the doorways, on the floor, the refrigerator, I think even on one or two of the windows in the living room. Silent, our mouths agape we walked into Jamie's room...there are chocolate stains all over the sheets on his bed and all on the walls that his bed was up against. But it didn't stop there. Oh no. "C" and I were literally walking through the house together our jaws dropped in disbelief when we get to the bathroom (Dun Dun Da - ominous crime drama sound). The movie Psycho was well done and a good horror flick. But I personally believe that, even in black and white, had Hitchcock filmed whatever happened between my roommate Jamie, his girlfriend and that bottle of chocolate syrup instead of the shower scene we know the movie to be famous for, he wouldn't have been able to get a rating that would have allowed him to ever show that scene in public. There was chocolate in our shower that we couldn't even reach if we had wanted to clean it up. We had a clear plastic shower curtain that now looked like a chocolate canvas done by Jackson Pollack. Chocolate hand smears onthe vanity mirror and our beautiful porcelain sink looked like Milton Hershey himself had been slain there. I suddenly knew why Jamie and his girlfriend went out that night. Because whatever they did to create that scene must have created an appetite for the both of them that no standard refrigerator could sate. No they would have to go out to a place with greater supplies and resources to accomodate that kind of caloric loss. "C" and I ogled in disbelief for quite awhile at what we had come home to and I think we each spent more time than we should have envisioning what actually took place to cause this chocolate horror scene. Ultimately, once the initial shock of what we walked into wore off, we were actually able to enjoy our rare and special time alone together. But don't kid yourself, the memory from that evening has to go to my studious, good boy-gonna be doctor of a roommate who stole the show with his episode of mystery and sexual intrigue in the now infamous memory of "Death by Chocolate".

Kissing [My Romantic Benchmark]

My cyber-friend Doug wrote a great little blog about a kiss (Wolfshades' "Kiss" blog). He prefaced this blog by saying "...and after you read this - consider writing a blog yourself, about your most memorable kiss, or about kisses in general." Well anyone who knows me knows I am the eternally "hopeful romantic". So my blog wheels started turning. Talking about kisses and kissing could be just what I need. The perfect topic to lift one's spirits and something that everyone can relate to...at least I hope everyone can! Kissing is one of the only truths we physically experience. Kissing is something that you can't fake and that's why it is such a pure act of passion. Jessica Rabbit (display name) who also wrote a blog about kissing said it very well when she said "You can fake it in bed, or go through the motions, but you can't fake a soulful or passionate kiss". (unfortunately, Jessica's kiss blog is set to private, otherwise I would offer a link to it - sorry.) Whether its the deep, passionate, Tara's burning in the background, Gone with the Wind kinda kiss. The shove everything off the table, throw 'em down on the table hot and hard kiss. The standing in the rain, wonderful, deep kiss that warms you so intensely the cold rain actually turns to steam as it bounces off you. Or even just the playful, young love, little kisses - nothing can make you smile brighter and bigger and make you feel more alive than the kiss. So I started thinking about kisses that stood out to me in my life. And by the way, if you don't have kisses (plural) that stand out in your life then I hope this blog will inspire you to start now. On that note, I've decided that this is to be one of a few blogs about kisses I plan to write. The reason being that there are different kisses that occured at different times with different circumstances that all have one thing in common...they were all amazing enough to burn a special place in my memory, never to be forgotten. For example, your first kiss ever and the first time you kissed the person you decided to marry are different but I'm sure equally important memories. So the first kiss that I want to write about is the one I consider my romantic benchmark...enjoy

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I was in 8th grade. She had platinum blond hair, huge blue eyes and a smile made for Miss America. She was sweet, innocent and she liked me. I'd never had a girlfriend and she was my first. My parents had raised me with extreme manners, courtesy and respect. So I didn't know any other way to treat my young "Juliet" than like a lady. I'll never forget what she told me when I asked, why me? She said that every other guy had always told her how pretty she was but I was the first one to ever make her feel pretty. Truth be told I'd been so sheltered as a kid I was absolutely terrified every time I was around her because I felt like this awkward, tingley, goofy, bumbling mess everytime she came near me. I had read most of Shakespeare's major works by the time I was ten (remember? sheltered kid) so I literally referenced that when I had to talk to her (es, you can only imagine my incredible dorkiness - it was staggering! LOL). But between the romance of Shakespeare and my own naive, honest innocence I somehow managed to be somewhat charming and not drool and stutter when we talked. Now at the school I went to every kid in 8th grade took these ballroom dance lessons that were held at this country club in the neighborhood. The cool thing about these dance lessons was it made our parents happy, we got to get out on a school night and by dancing we got to get close to girls at a time when we were just starting to realize we liked getting close to girls. The other cool thing was that after the dance lessons would finish we could hang out while we waited for our parents to come pick us up. Night time, country club, lots of trees and places to wander off to...you get the picture. Well one night dance class ended earlier than usual and this was back before cell phones so we all were basically gonna hang out until it was time for our parents to come and pick us up. So my young "Juliet" and I decided to talk a little walk around the grounds. We found a spot with a bench and sat and talked for a bit. I didn't stand a chance - the moon, the romantic atmosphere, we were alone...I don't know who kissed who first but I do remember it seemed to last forever. And forever wasn't long enough. We sat there and "made out" until it was time to get back to where our parents were supposed to pick us up. It was amazing.Now here is why I call this my romantic benchmark. I literally felt as though I was walking on air after we parted. My head was in this swimmy, swoony loop and I had a smile on my face I could not get off that was so big and goofy that I looked like a had something wrong with me. Which I kinda did. I had just experienced my first real kiss with a girl. Even as I write this I'm literally chuckling because just thinking about that night has me with that same stupid grin on my face...and I love it! I have been blessed in my romantic life but I have always, always searched for that stupid smile, that walking on air, head swimming uncontrollably sensation that only comes from a really great kiss. Now I don't want to lie to you and not say that any kiss is a good kiss. Any kind of affection is nice. But when you are as passionate a person as I am you can't help but absolutely desire and need, not just a good kiss but, that really great kiss! To this day I aspire every kiss I have to be as great as the one that night that seemed to go on forever. And forever is just about how long I plan to kiss like that. I just hope that's long enough.

Thought for Food

Eating after midnight must be the reason for high electric bills. Whenever I go to the fridge late at night, open the fridge door and that brilliant, bright light comes on, I'm like a deer in the headlights. Physically trapped, my mind starts doing the browsing for me. But this is not a good thing. There I am, staring into the fridge and I start thinking about fried chicken. There isn't even any fried chicken in the fridge but there I am thinking about that Church's on Heights Blvd in Houston that always had those huge juicy pieces and the best jalapeños. But then I think, jalapeños probably aren't good this time of the night so my mind trips on over to KFC because I love the Buffalo Snackers but that would be just as bad as the jalapeños which leads to what I like to call "little heart attacks in plastic" - the KFC Potato Bowl. You really should have to take a physical to be able to order one of those. (Did i mention there still isn't any chicken in the fridge?) Anyyywaaay, I'm out of shape and a potato bowl would be too heavy this late. This of course coming from the guy who orders Chicken Fried Steak, eggs, hash browns and toast everytime he stops for food on the way home from the bars. Was there actually another reference to fried chicken there? No? Good. Maybe I should just have a PBnJ. Where's the jelly? There it is. Hmmm, there's orange marmalade and raspberry (w/ seeds). Why is it that orange marmalade always makes me think of la Madeleine bread and raspberry jelly always makes me think of Monte Cristo sandwiches? I don't even eat the orange marmalade when I go to la Madeleine. I sure do love their Caesar salads though. That would be so perfect right now. Nah. But I love those Monte Cristo sandwiches. Oh!!...There's the raspberry jelly connection! There's another food you should have to take a physical for before ordering one. The Monte Cristo - it's like a fried, fried thing but, it is soooo good! I feel fat. Maybe I should just go to bed. What the hell?! I've been standing here with the refrigerator door open for 20 minutes?! Geez I better shut the damn door before everything spoils in here. You know what? Tomorrow I'm gonna put a strobe light in the fridge so that way when I come back late at night it'll accomodate my ADD and maybe I'll be able to decide on something to eat. I'm too tired to eat now anyway........oh yeah! I've got Pringles by the bed. Happy Q! Happy Q!.

Taste's like shit but smells like...teen spirit?

Alright, I need a little help here. I recently watched a show about how a dog's sense of smell is so much greater than a human's. A dog's nose can smell up to one million times that of a human's. So here's my problem, anyone who's ever owned a dog knows about the problem of dog's eating their own, or any other animal's, "poo". I have actually had to forcibly break a couple of my dog's from doing this. But after watching this show on Animal Planet (very trustworthy source) I'm wondering, is there something we not only don't understand, but maybe, we can't understand? (how I could just kill a man...oops Public Enemy flashback). Where was I? I yeah, eating shit. If we taste something horrible we say it tastes like shit. But I've actually had to wrestle a dog down to try and get the shit he'd just eaten out of his mouth. Hell, even the way dog's check each other out is by sniffing each other's butts. There's got to be something to this. I know that how things taste to us is dependant on our sense of smell (thanks Discovery Channel). You know, hold your nose to take bad medicine. I'm telling you there really is something to this. Maybe all this time we've had all wrong. If a dog's sense of smell is so much greater than ours - And taste is dependent on smell - And dog's are perceptive enough to be finicky about what kind of dog food (or even people food) they eat but, show 'em a big 'ol pile and you'd think they'd just arrived at the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Bellagio. Maybe it isn't bad food that taste's like shit but good food! I mean look how happy dog's are when they get the opportunity to chow down on some good ol' poo. And look how shiny they're coats are! That ain't Alpo or Science Diet that does that. And I can't even begin talking about about the meet and greet butt sniffing thing. All the money we spend on perfume and maybe we actually should be sniffing each other's crotches. I'm not ashamed to say I'd probably be more accepting of a whole lot more people if I was allowed to sniff their critch upon encountering them. Then again ther'd be a whole lot more people I'd never even attempt to get to know if that were case. But see? Maybe that right there proves my point. If I were more positive about sniffing people's crotches maybe I'd have a greater chance of meeting more people of quality. Thoughts? I'd love to know what y'all think. In the meantime...I'm hungry. I'm gonna go eat now. Hope it tastes like shit...and smells like...Teen Spirit?

Breakfast With A Porn Star

Ok, this may jump around a bit but, I live with my ADD, so can you. I'm not sure how to begin this but I've been wanting to write about it for awhile now so here goes...I think its funny that for as long as I can remember my guy friends have always talked about porn stars, watched pornos, had dirty mags, etc. and for some reason I've never really been into all that. I have always been into "the real thing". Kinda like girls at strip clubs, if I can't "be" with them I don't really care to be around 'em. Although, I have a few funny stories about that situation, but again - Another Story, Another Time. So where was I? Oh yeah, Porn...so anyway, I think it's funny out of all of the guys I know really into porn and all things similar, I think it's funny that I'm the one who ended up working for one of the biggest producers of porn in America and even ended up being in a porn film myself (as an extra!). Of course, if your association with being in a porn movie uses the term "extra", I'm cool with that!Please allow me to digress. John Stagliano (Evil Angel Video/Evil Empire) is my boss and as a reward for the work I've done for him he invited me to join him and "the gang" at the Evil Empire Booth at the AVN Expo this past January. The AVN Expo, in case you don't know, is the convention that leads up to the AVN Awards which is the Oscars for Adult Film. The point of this info is that for 4 days I got to meet, hang out and even party with porn stars galore. And since I was part of John's crew I wasn't like some fan hawking for autographs. This is important because when I met these porn stars and they found out I was with John Stagliano they treated me like, well, one of them. It was kinda surreal. By the way, I have to say that porn stars in real life look 100 times better than they do on box covers or in films. Don't ask me why, it's just the truth. Regular movie actors on the other hand (and yes I've met a few of them) tend to look the opposite in real life. Strange but true. So what's the point of all this? Well, guys always joke about "having breakfast with a girl". This basically translates to they spent the night with them. Well my experience happened a little differently. About 2 months ago John was filming some scenes for the upcoming Fashionistas2 in Las Vegas. Since I already work for John at the Fashionistas production show there I was allowed to be an extra in those scenes. The day of the shooting I got there early and saw that there was a breakfast buffet waiting. Yeah, you know me and food. That and being in a porno! it was the perfect day...almost. So as I get my food and am about to sit down I see Belladonna & her husband sitting there about to have breakfast. I ask if I could join them and she says yes. I remind her about meeting her at the AVN expo and we are all good. We sat and talked about everything and nothing and I have to say she is one of the coolest, nicest people I've ever met. She is as beautiful inside as she is outside. Trust me, pictures don't come close to doing her justice. I couldn't help but think of all of my guy friends and think, if they could only see me now. Leave it to me to say my experience with a porn star may not have had anything to do with sex but since it involved food and good conversation, for me, it was just as good! Although that's not entirely true since we did spend the rest of the day shooting the film and there was some...well, I'll leave that to your imaginations. Or, you can just buy the movie when it is released in a few months. That's Fashionistas2 if you didn't catch it the first time.So, as would be the case in my world (your strangest day is my everyday), I got to "have breakfast with a girl" who just so happened to be a porn star. Except I didn't get to spend the night with her. However, breakfast was more than enough. And actually, it was a three-way since her husband was there as well. He was pretty quiet but he was really nice. And I must say it was really, really cool. Thanks Bella! I hope we get to meet again.

20 years ago today

Yes, I'm better now. Thank you.So, that's right, 20 years ago today the event that I must tell 50 times a day actually occured. What event is that? you ask. Well let me tell you...First let me say that NONE of this is untrue and NONE of this is exagerrated. On a beautiful Texas night with what appeared to be a full moon my best friend at the time suggested that we drive (from Houston) to San Antonio to visit some friends of his at St Mary's seminary. Now, if you don't know what a seminary is, for reasons, that will be cynically expressed later, I'll tell you. A seminary is an institution for the training of candidates for the priesthood, ministry, or rabbinate. Now forget about that for a bit and lets get back to "the event". A beautiful 2 1/2 hour drive and we are arriving in San Antonio. Me, my best friend and another friend of his. And wouldn't you know, just as we passed the San Antonio City Limits sign, it happens...A Freak Accident!Long of the short of it, I get thrown from a truck while on the freeway. I hit 2 lanes of freeway and a containment barrier going about 65mph. End result: paralyzed right arm and busted my head open a bit. Ahhh my kiddies, that's not the even the good part. After passing in & out of consciousness several times, going into shock - a result of arguing with an ER nurse about a catheter (another story, another time), being unconscious for a day and a half and ultimately being in the hospital for the entire rest of the summer, here comes the good part...2 doctors-1 statement. That's right, both my doctors, the one in San Antonio and the one in Houston BOTH made the same exact statement. "It's too bad you were sober. If you had been drinking one would've just rolled instead of reacting by putting your arm out and not even gotten hurt." Again, NOT making that up-NOT exagerating. This sucks on 2 levels for me. 1- Because I have to spend the rest of my life with a paralyzed arm because I WASN'T DRUNK?!!! And 2- If I had been drinking I could've hit the freeway going 65 mph and not even gotten hurt - THAT would've been a cool story to tell! Now if you think I'm twisted because of that last statement...Hello? It's me! Twisted just touches the tip. However. in my defense look at the story I've been stuck having to tell 50 times a day for the past 20 years! Which one would you want to tell?Oh yeah, back to the "seminary" aspect of this story. One of my favorite questions I get asked when people here this story is "Did you find God or become more religious after your accident?" Lets think about that statement for a mioment...I was en route, making the effort to go to another city, to hang out with people studying to be priests. If you can't be watched out for you on that little adventure it makes it a little hard to be inspired toward that sort of new investment of faith for your little 'ol everyday life. (I told you it would be cynical.) Don't get me wrong, I am a very spiritual person, but that's personal - NOT religious. (again -another story, another time) And as far as the telling the story 50 times a day thing...I don't mind people asking me about it I just hate when that's all they can talk to me about! I'm in no way, shape or form bitter about my situation. Ask anyone who has met me or knows me, I am one of the most extroverted, social, fantabulous people you'll ever meet. And, I'm funny, smart, modest and have great legs! Hell, everyone should get to meet me!...ROFL!! I said modest - That's funny!Honestly, If you want to know how I really feel about my situation...again, ask anyone who's met me or knows me...if you can come up with better jokes about it than me - you're immediately my new best friend! The last really good, fresh one I heard was a couple of years ago. Someone asked a friend of mine who I was because I was smoozing with some sassy lass he was interested in and my friend said, and I quote: "Who him? That's just "Q". No need to worry about him. He's armless. Armless?!! That's priceless! Get it? Instead of harmless. Ugh! I can't take you people anywhere! Just kidding, y'all are all fantabulariffic (great word - 50,000 points in Scrabble!)I guess the moral to this story is: DON'T drink and drive BUT, if you're gonna be in an accident, better to be drunk than sober. Cheers!